Last week I signed up to go to the Type-A Mom Blogging Conference.
I wasn’t planning on going to another conference this year. In fact, a conference that caters specifically to moms was way off my radar. I was very happy with my experience at Gleek Retreat and I didn’t find myself really down about missing BlogHer last month. Also, conferences are expensive, and while I did just write my very last check for child care (yay for full day kindergarten!), I feel a little guilty spending the money on a trip I’m not sharing with my family.
The thing is, I want to do more with this blog but I’ve been struggling with some self-imposed rules that really matter to no one but me. They’re silly rules, but they tend to dictate the content of this blog because I don’t want to jeopardize the authenticity of the voice I’ve created or lose the audience I’ve gained so far.
But y’all, something has to give.
Today Feedburner tells me I have 89 subscribers.
Seven people visited my site yesterday.
The Google bot is probably the most influential visitor in keeping my bounce rate down.
Oh, and I’ve been doing this for FIVE YEARS.
I’m not usually one to complain about my lack of traffic, and I wouldn’t say that is what this is. What I am saying is this blog has become a reflection of my real life. I’m kind of a homebody and an introvert. Remaining safely anonymous is preferable to taking the risk of putting myself out there and participating in something new. The lack of growth here mirrors the lack of growth in my professional life. For nine years I’ve worked in a job that is completely wrong for me because it offers a good paycheck and excellent benefits.
And in this crappy economy I have no plans of leaving the job soon, but that doesn’t mean this space here has to remain the same. But I haven’t wanted to tinker because, you know, if it ain’t broke don’t try to fix it. I think it may be time to tinker, though. Tinkering might be good.
Those of you who have been my regular readers over the years are awesome and I don’t want to discount your loyalty. Most of you are bloggers yourselves and I’ve gotten to know you very well. Some of you may even be going through these same identity issues, especially in light of how commercial the blogosphere has become (hey, did you know “blogosphere” pops up in spell check now?). There are very few bloggers out there now who open up shop wanting only to write and tell stories. Hell, even Dooce, who previously never used to write sponsored posts, is enjoying an entire office remodel courtesy of Verizon.
So the blog world is a-changing.
The good news is it’s always changing. I think every blog is in a constant state of flux, and the longer you stay out there and keep doing what you’re doing, the more you’ll see where the blog is meeting your needs, where it’s not and adjust accordingly. For me, the blog has exceeded my needs in that it has provided a creative outlet, a means of therapy and has brought me some wonderful relationships.
In fact, that I’ve been able to keep it up this long is very unusual for me. I’m not known for staying with a project for an extended period of time. I get bored and frustrated. I lose confidence and tend to move on to something else that interests me, at least for a short while. That I’ve been able to keep this going for five years means that what I do here is very valuable and I can’t lose sight of what it is that keeps me coming back to tell my stories.
But something is missing. I can’t exactly put my finger on it, but there’s a definite feeling that this blog is less than what it could be. I put what time I can into it, and until I am able to unshackle myself from the cubicle it’s going to have to remain something I do when I have the time to do it.
The day I fly back from North Carolina will actually mark the fifth anniversary of my very first post here. Yes, there are a few random posts I imported from a blog I very briefly maintained in 2004, but the site now known as “Autumn At Oak Hollow” started on September 27th, 2005 when I was 40 days away from becoming a mother.
Well, it was actually 50 days since we went ten days past my due date.
And now, since my daughter is about to begin a new phase of her life in kindergarten and beyond, I think it’s only appropriate that this blog also branch out in new directions. Hopefully, as I fly back home, I’ll have a clearer vision of the next five years. Maybe I’ll be inspired, but most of all I hope to be confident enough to explore new opportunities while keeping this site a place I love, a place you love and that keeps us all wanting to come back again and again.
As always, I thank you for putting up with me.
I love reading your blog, I think I started right before Gleek Retreat. I have been blogging for three years and my blog is small too. Or the way I say it to myself is, “I should be WAY more famous than I am”. But I just like to write. Hell, I just got my own domain in June. I want to grow my blog too and I am a bigger chicken than you are, because I’m not going to Type A Mom (unless I win a ticket, which I won’t).
So good luck, my friend. You are a talented writer and it’s time the world knew it.
Aw, thanks Jen! And I’m with you. I just like to write and traffic shouldn’t matter as long as I’m enjoying this, which I must since I haven’t quit yet.
I don’t know if I’m brave or stupid for going to TAM. It was a completely last-minute decision that my wallet may end up regretting. I’m not as on-the-ball as Stacey, who’s actively soliciting sponsorships for the trip. That’s way out of my comfort zone, but maybe it’s also something I should be working on.
Well, I wasn’t quite sure where you were going with that title… 😉
I totally hear you though! My blog will be 5 at Christmas. Hard to believe I have so much history there. But some days I really do feel stilted. I’m afraid to write what I want, what’s going on in my head, because I know my entire family reads. I should be more honest I suppose, but I’m such a private person that I wouldn’t talk about these things anyway. I have a completely anonymous blog, but that’s more like a journal to rant when I’m really upset and can’t tell anyone (like with my husband or best friends). Risk averse much? 🙂
I can’t believe you’re going now that I backed out! I hope you enjoy yourself and learn all kinds of things, both about blogging and what direction you want to take things. Have fun!
Meg, you can still get a pass and we’d be happy to make room for one more in the room!
Krista, I actually stole the title from the movie “Clueless.” It probably doesn’t fit the content of the post, but I like creating titles that get people’s attention.
I completely understand about the privacy thing. Sometimes I think I might share too much or write things that are better left to my offline personal journal. It helps just getting things down, and there’s not problem avoiding risk when it comes to the feelings of others.
I’m one of your unaccounted-for readers. I have you in my google reader (and so do 17 other people, apparently — so there you go, that puts you over 100). Don’t apologize for wanting to do more with your blog, go for it! You’re too good a writer with too many funny stories to tell to completely sell out. The blogs I DON’T like are the ones that are all sell-out and very little content. I think you’ve established yourself as too content-heavy to ever go that route. We have faith in you to make it happen, well!!
Have fun at the conference. (I’m in NC, I’ll wave to you.)
I love your blog, and I loved meeting you last year. Wherever this takes you, I’ll follow. I’m going through something similar with mine. I’m not sure where it is going to take me, but something had to give, just a little.
Sorry I don’t comment more, your anti hacking measures hate my proxy at work, so I have to remember what I wanted to say by the time I get home, and that doesn’t always work so well.
Erin-Thanks for the compliment and for commenting! I’ll wave to you, too!
Amelia-my anti-hacker measures are a pain in the butt for me as well, but they have saved said butt a couple of times since installing them. I may have actually gone overboard with the plugins, but getting hacked was the worst. I was so afraid I had lost all my writing.
Thanks for coming reading and commenting. Your blog is one of my favorites and I know I don’t comment enough. In the end this whole project is about the writing, and I don’t want to mess with that. I just want to shake things up a little bit.