Trick or treat?

So guess who’s brilliant enough to get locked out of her own blog?

Yep. I’m once again posting from my iPod touch because of security issues. Unlike earlier this year when a severe LACK of security led to my blog getting hacked and hijacked by Latvians, I have fallen victim to my own beefed up, and apparently very effective, gatekeepers.

I have no idea how long I’ll be locked out, but for now my entire IP range has been blocked and balcklisted, leaving me unable to post from a home computer.

Oh yeah, hi. I’m home today.

Autumn and I are a little sickly. She’s had a cough for a couple of days and I woke up this morning sounding like Kathleen Turner, though the voice was more scary than sexy. Much like Kathleen Turner herself these days.

Since Autumn is really geeked about trick-or-treating this year and I’m geeked to go with her, I hoped a day home would help us kick this bug, though I know whatever’s vexing my respiratory system will probably travel north to my sinuses before it’s completely gone.

And even if we do manage to right ourselves in time for Halloween, it appears as though we’re going to have some crappy weather. Rain, rain and more rain is forecasted for Friday and Saturday.

And even though I shudder to think how much candy she could potentially bring home, candy which she’ll ask for EVERY DAY until it’s gone, I don’t want to be the one to tell my daughter Mother Nature will not be favoring princesses this year.

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A whole magazine for Friday*

A few things I learned this week:

• There are still people in the world who use dial-up for their internet access. Of those people, there’s at least one dude out there who doesn’t realize he can’t dial in to AOL while he’s on the phone with someone.
• Smiley face stickers can only elicit good behavior from a four year-old for a maximum of two days.
• The worst punishment my daughter can dream up for me at the moment is jail time. And even though she has admitted she would miss me if I did go to jail, she still can’t help but wish for me to go there when she’s really angry with me.
• My father-in-law wants to get his Christmas shopping done before his wife has surgery in December. I asked Nathan to just tell him I want an Amazon gift certificate, but we’re both thinking the man will have as much difficulty fulfilling that request as he would had I said I wanted a Fabergé egg.
• The Twilight books are just a teensy bit overrated. Of course that didn’t stop me from devouring Breaking Dawn in four days.
• I am the type of person who believes stories that involve vampires should not have happy endings.
• It is all too easy to misdiagnose a physical disability as a really crappy phone connection.
• After eight years, I’m actually starting to like my job. Of course that’s not stopping me from counting down the months until I can get the hell out of there.
• This flu epidemic (pandemic?) just keeps getting scarier and scarier. Several of my co-workers have been home with sick kids, one of whom has been diagnosed with H1N1.
• I am way more excited about the holidays this year than I have been in years past. And the reasons have absolutely nothing to do with Christmas or the New Year but rather with what we’ll be doing with the time in between.

*Bullets…magazine…get it?

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Monstrous

Autumn is going to be a princess this year for Halloween.  Apparently a princess is what she wants to be when she grows up, though I did tell her she’d have to marry into royalty to do so. I asked her if she wouldn’t like to be something cool when she grows up like a fireman.  It was fire safety week this past week and she got to sit an a real fire truck and give a real fireman a high five.  Nope, a princess it is.

So Autumn is going to be a princess.  What she doesn’t know is that Mommy has other plans for her…

Forbidden immortal child…

Tragic zombie child.

Of course she doesn’t get to have all this fun this year.  Mom and dad are also getting in on the act.

My dentist is going to freak when he sees me.

This would be the Cullen sister no one ever talks about.

Are zombies supposed to smile?

I guess being undead doesn’t have to mean you lose your sense of humor.

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Common sense

Last night I spent an hour with my daughter playing a Disney Princess memory game. Never before have I seen someone so thrilled to successfully match one Mulan to another Mulan.  Speaking of which, was Mulan really a princess?  I don’t think she was, but I’m not going to nitpick by writing Milton Bradley and contesting their definition of royalty. Mulan should be included simply because she kicked ass.

So the evening was going great and we were having fun matching princesses, but then I had to go and give the kid a whole freaking M&M cookie ice cream sandwich just because she asked for one.  I’m a huge pushover when it comes to sweets simply because I love nothing more than to spread joy in colorful ice cream cookies.

A four year-old should not consume an entire M&M cookie ice cream sandwich about an hour before bedtime.

The kid was impossible to put down last night. Just when I thought I had her settled in, I made the mistake of pushing her GO button with a playful tickle before I left the room.  Before I knew it, she had me in a choke hold as she dangled from my neck as I tried to heave myself off her bed.

Then there was the singing.  For about an hour after lights out, Nathan and I were treated to chorus after chorus of the Zoo Phonics song, Autumn’s favorite of late.  I had to go back into her room several times to ask her to quiet down and was treated to indignant huffs that suggested I was stifling her creative genius.

And throughout it all I could clearly see how the next morning would go because she didn’t get the sleep she needed.  And the morning was pretty bad.  And I didn’t handle it well because I didn’t get the sleep I needed, either.

But tonight went much better. She’s been asleep for over an hour. There was no singing and I’m pretty sure right after I publish this I’m going to take a bath and hit the sack.  All the ice cream sandwiches were gone so that also worked in our favor.

So tomorrow morning will be better.

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Sneetch belly

Learning about diversity this week, courtesy of Dr. Suess.

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Lost in translation

Daily Behavior Log

Child: Autumn
Date: 10/6

Breakfast: cereal, oranges, milk (smiley face)

Lunch: pizza, milk, breadstick, oranges (smiley face)

Snack (a.m.): graham crackers, milk (smiley face)

Snack (p.m): cereal milk

Rest time: 1:10 pm-2:45

Cooperation: Adults (smiley face)  Peers: (smiley face)

Favorite activity today: Making a Sneech belly!  Litening to The Beatles.

One good thing about my day: She was a great weather person today! The next Ron Boyd!

Messages home: Autumn shared with everyone today that you ate a mosquito while making tomato sauce!!

Bring your family’s favorite music tomorrow!

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Mortal enemies

I received a call at work this afternoon from the director of Autumn’s school to let me know Autumn had gotten stung by a bee. It was her first sting and she handled it well, but it couldn’t have happened at a worse time. Autumn was just starting to tolerate living on the same planet with bugs and with our recent bee infestation still fresh in her mind, the incident did not go far in establishing good will between the human and every single flying insect out there.

Autumn was in good spirits when I picked her up.  Her ear was still really red, but she was energetic and happy.  On the way home I tried to pull the story out of her but all I got was a very brief, “I got stung, mama.”

Being the ace parent I am, I tried to make Autumn feel better about the incident by introducing her to the concept of retribution.  I explained that the bee died as soon as he tried to pull his stinger out of her ear.

She gasped. “Really?”

“Yep,” I said.

“Why? Why did he die?” she asked.

I went on to explain what happens to the bees after they sting. I tried not to be too graphic, though I do believe the word “guts” was used a couple of times.

Autumn’s shock turned to concern. “Oh no!” she said. “I have to help him!”

Help the bee?  Um…

I tried to explain to Autumn that the bee was gone. Dead gone. No more. But she was having none of it.  In the blink of an eye she had turned from squealing bee-hater into the Mother Theresa of the hive. “I have to give him a home,” she said.

“Honey, that bee doesn’t need a home.” I said, least of all ours.

Sometimes this kid really surprises me.  I expect her to zig and she zags, though I’m pretty sure she’s still going to freak out come next summer when things start buzzing and flying again. Thankfully it will probably be another long winter around these parts.

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Broken English

Several months ago I started taking notice of the way Autumn pronounced certain words.  Some of her pronunciations are comical, but one word in particular tickled me in a way the others didn’t simply because it reminded me of Rocky and Bullwinkle.

Squirrel.

She would (and still does) pronounce the word “squirrel” in a way that makes her sound just like Boris Badenov (or his beloved Natasha) and so I began asking Autumn to repeat a certain phrase for me just so I could get a laugh.

Moose and squirrel.

And then this foolishness escalated when I started getting the video camera out to record her saying “moose and squirrel” because I thought it was THAT funny.  That went on for a couple of weeks before the novelty wore off and she refused to humor me further.

So anyway, this video was taken back in February during my “moose and squirrel” obsession.  I love it simply because it showcases Autumn’s goofy side, so please try to enjoy that part of it and ignore the insane woman behind the camera whose direction gets really irritating about ten seconds in.

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