Hanging on

I can’t seem to get past that 100 lb milestone.

I get to 100, then I gain a little back. Then I lose a little to get back to 100 only to gain a little back again.

It’s my own fault and I’m not really complaining. Just laying it all out there because, for better or for worse, this is a weight loss blog now.

Speaking of which, what am I going to do with this blog?

I keep talking about the new blog and how I’m not yet “there” with the roll-out. I’m as far away from “there” as I can be and not very motivated to move forward. Maybe it’s because I got the job I interviewed for (YUP!) and am starting to re-assess my priorities.

My first priority is to keep taking care of myself. That’s never going to change. Regardless of what happens with this space, you can rest assured I will be working my ass off (literally!) behind the scenes. No matter how much of a crap week I have, I always go back to eating well and exercising.

However, with the new job comes a responsibility I’ve never taken on before; I am now someone’s supervisor. That’s kind of scary when you think of it, but I’m already approving time-off requests and sorting out schedules, so I guess this is real and I have to start thinking about how much I want my employees to know about me. Thankfully right now if you Google my name you only come up with one or two links that point to the blog.

The question of whether I want to continue blogging at all has come up. I’m not ready to quit because I still do posses that narcissistic need to write about myself. I’ve made some great friends online and shutting down the blog would mean cutting myself off from some great people and opportunities.

The bottom line is I am at a crossroads. My life is not becoming any less complicated and I’m finding it harder to set aside time to write.

And really, I’m just having a good time living right now. Maybe that’s how it works. When I was miserable and depressed I had all the motivation in the world to sit down here and tell my stories. Now that I’m happy, it seems I’m just happy to…be.

And it feels great.

Read Full Post »

I scream, you scream

Yesterday I had an interview for a promotion at work. I wasn’t at all nervous until about two hours before I was to sit down with the interviewers, all of whom I knew and work with every day.

I haven’t interviewed for a job in four years and my nerves were so bad at one point that I needed a sedative in the form of a piece of ice cream cake. One of the ladies at work celebrated a birthday on Thursday and brought in no less than three homemade ice cream cakes with vanilla ice cream and crushed Oreos drizled with chocolate and cramel syrup.

At this point I do know better than to use food to medicate myself, but I did it, went to the interview and lived through it.

However…

Later in the afternoon I had a second piece of homemade ice cream cake. I’d had a taste and wanted a second piece for no other reason than it was damn GOOD.

Those two piece of ice cream cake, as small as they were, may not have been so bad had I not also had a Rolo McFlurry at McDonald’s last night. We pulled up and I had totally intended on ordering a 4-point Vanilla cone.  Then I saw the sign for the Rolo McFlurry and I was gone. Nathan ordered a regular size one for himself and a snack size one for me, but when they pushed the drink holder out to us I could not immediately determine whose McFlurry was whose. The snack size was much bigger than I thought it would be, but that didn’t stop me from eating it.

I wasn’t expecting much at today’s weigh-in, but for some reason I walked away losing .6 pounds. Last week I gained one.

The good habits are the ones that led to that .6 pounds loss. The good habits are the reason I saw a loss at all, but the bad habits still seem to work their way into my week and it kind of bugs me. I know I’m not perfect, but yesterday as I was sitting at my desk about ready to vomit from the anxiety, the only way I could think to deal with those feelings was through eating.

Old habits certainly take a long, looong time to die.

But do they really die or do they lay dormant, awaiting the day we have a job interview or a death in the family or a child having problems in school?

I really have no idea, but if I ever figure that out, I’ll be sure to let you know.

Read Full Post »