This week I’ve told three different people that I have no idea where I’d be right now if I hadn’t blown out my knee and lived with pain for two years. One of the people was my supervisor. I had my review with her this week and after we were through talking about what we had to talk about, she told me I’m looking great and we moved on to small talk about Weight Watchers and how I’m finding success on the plan.
Two years ago during my review with this same woman, I sat in front of her, red-faced and weeping, and said I just wanted to put in my ten years and get the hell out. I was miserable in the job. Truth be told, I was just miserable, but the job compounded it all and the only thing that kept me going was the knowledge that I’d lose my pension if I quit before I had my ten years in.
So I was miserable and practical.
I know what you’re thinking. What does an unpleasant performance review have to do with your knee and where is this all going?
The knee injury marked the beginning of my descent into a severe depression. The knee injury was the capper of the suck-fest that was 2007. Nathan’s mom died in May, his dad remarried in September and I blew out my knee in December. All events are well-documented in the blog if you care to read up on them.
At the time I hurt my knee I weighed about 70 pounds more than I weigh now. If the actual act of blowing out the knee wasn’t painful enough, I had to manage hoisting myself around on crutches in the middle of a Michigan winter. Eventually I moved on to a cane and then to no support at all, but I actually didn’t get rid of the limp until the following July.
The injured knee made everything more difficult. Climbing the stairs at home (nine going up, five going down), sex (which wasn’t a piece of cake to begin with) and taking care of my child were all activities that were affected because of the bum knee. Autumn was only two at the time and I couldn’t even get on the floor with her to play. As little as she was, I couldn’t add her weight to my own for a simple piggyback ride around the house.
Then there was the time she ran away from me down the middle of the street and I couldn’t even attempt to try and catch her.
As time went on and I continued to not be able to do these things, I started getting more and more depressed. I also started getting lonelier and lonelier since most of the people who I had thought were my friends seemed to have disappeared. I have to admit to doing a very good job at repelling them with my surliness, sometimes using this blog as a weapon to air my frustration and disappointment at finding out they weren’t nearly as invested in my well-being as I was in theirs.
So all these awful feelings of betrayal, loneliness, inadequacy and self-loathing kept building up and building up like a giant zit about to explode all over the bathroom mirror.
And to add to all that, I hated my job.
I don’t need to tell you why I hated my job, but by the time I sat down with my supervisor two years ago, I was doing a piss-poor job and she let me know it.
I’d never had a bad review before. Never. Ever.
I had always been a good worker, but the injury, the depression and the isolation of feeling miserable and misunderstood took its toll on my work life as well as my personal life. That’s when I nearly committed career suicide by stamping my commitment to the office with that ten-year expiration date.
Ten years and I was out.
That review marked the beginning of the end of that very dark period of my life. After that review I took a week-long leave from work and started getting the help I needed to pull my shit together. I started therapy and began talking through everything I’d been keeping bottled up. It was brilliant and painful and one of the best things I’ve ever done for myself.
Six months later I did the second-best thing I’ve ever done for myself. I went back to Weight Watchers.
And the rest, as they say, is history.
So when I told those three people I don’t know where I would be if I hadn’t blown out my knee, what I was doing was imagining what my life would be like now if I hadn’t blown out my knee.
Would I still weight over 300 pounds? Because I don’t now.
Would I still hate my job and be planning my exit in six months? Because I no longer do and I no longer am.
For the first time in…well ever, I feel as though I’m right where I belong. I’m enjoying my job, I’ve developed great friendships with people who get me and have finally gotten to a place in my life where I believe I am capable of much, much more than I ever realized.
Like forgiveness. Moving on. Leaving the past in the past. Letting bygones be bygones. Whatever you want to call it, losing weight isn’t always about dropping pants sizes.
Of course this feeling of contentedness comes with a dread that someone or something might come along and knock me off balance again, but for now I’m going to appreciate, in a macabre sort of way, that blowing out my knee and living with pain for two years was just about the best thing that ever happened to me.
You know what, Heather? I’m once again reminded about how short life is…tomorrow is the funeral service for my father-in-law. I’ve known the man for almost 40 years and I realize that that is just a drop in the proverbial bucket! Too short to waste time on regrets…I may not have enough time to get back to a “skinny” me like I was in my glory days. But, if I love people and they love me – THAT’s what makes my life worth living! And yours, too. And girl, I love you, I really do! You have an outlook on life that is unique, you are talented and very funny. That’s enough to do it. I’m glad to hear your life is back on track. Sometimes the hard parts are the most necessary parts of our lives…
Sometimes it takes something shitty to turn into something great. Good for you!
Ann, I’m so sorry about your father-in-law’s passing. You’re right that loving and being loved are all that matters in life and I credit the love of certain co-workers for helping me get through some of the challenges I have faced in the office. You know very well that for a long time I did not remain there by choice. Two years ago I never would have dreamed I’d be so content as to want to stay. I never thought I’d love that job, but I do and the people I work with have made all the difference. I love, you too!